Have you ever had to make a tough decision? If you’re human I know you have. I am in the midst of one of those monumental decision making moments as we speak…it seems as if I’ve been here forever.
I tend to think all decisions have eternal consequences, even though some seem bigger than others, and I suppose they are at least in terms of felt impact. My current dilemma is rather huge. Definite eternal implications. For myself and certainly for my family. 
What is one to do?
I’ll be perfectly honest. I feel with (almost) every fiber of my being I know what the right decision is. 
“Great!”, you say, “So, what’s the issue?”
Well, I suppose the (almost) is one of the issues. The fact that I’m not totally sure…though I don’t know that it’s entirely possible to be completely sure of much…But the bigger issue for me right now is that almost no one will be happy about this decision. The range of emotions and reactions from friends, acquaintances, and associates will range from anger to disbelief, and the one I fear most is disappointment. 
Even myself…I can’t lie. I’m not totally sure I totally love the choice I feel lead to make. A part of me will have to die. Long held dreams, desires, and ambitions I will need to let go of…At least for the foreseeable future. Im sure these hopes, dreams, desires, and ambitions will be replaced with new ones.(One can only hope, right?) Still…its not easy letting go. 
But, I feel this is the decision I must make. For myself and my family as we seek to follow Jesus.
I’m still trying to get to that “More of Him, less of me” way of being…it’s certainly a process.
Fear of man issues is something I’ve struggled with mightily…and these days it is weighing on my soul like a millstone around my neck.
But as he(Christ) hopefully increases, and as I hopefully decrease in my own heart and mind…I pray that the fears and anxiety I feel towards those I choose to associate with will be drowned out and replaced by love and adoration for the God and savior in whom I have no choice but to love and follow, and the family I have no choice but to love and lead in the way of Jesus.

Fear Deeper Than Longing


Funny how we look down on those who try to put up a front. We want everyone to just be ‘real’. All we ask out of anyone is complete honesty. Yet, when people are completely honest…we judge.

How could you think that?

How could you say that?

What kind of sick freak are you?

We don’t want honesty, we want people to be who we want them to be.

That is why we put on our masks. That is why we hide who we really are…because we know who we really are.

Everyone puts on masks. If you say that you don’t, you are a liar.

Everyone wants to be perceived how they want to be perceived. We want to be known how we want to be known. But not totally. No one is allowed to know us totally. That would be too scary, Because we know, just as soon as someone knows us completely, they will judge.

How do we know this?

We do the same thing.

Yet, deep down, I think we all have a longing to be known completely. To be known totally.

Fear though, is deeper than this longing. Fear is more powerful than this longing.

How do we overcome the fear. Can we? Should we try to change ourselves so that we have nothing to hide?

We always have something to hide.